Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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