Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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