i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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