she was so not down for the gang bang
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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