does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
