I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize