U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
