remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
