So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
