Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
