this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
