Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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