you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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