I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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