Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
