I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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