Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
