I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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