You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sorry about my life...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
