My first STD was from a foam party
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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