My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
