So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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