I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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