Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
