Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
