Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
there's paper in my vomit.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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