It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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