You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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