this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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