Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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