fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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