My sheets look like a crime scene.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
