I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
