Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
