New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
