i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
