help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
