Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
