you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize