Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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