I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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