I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
