So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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