So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
