she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
