Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
