My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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