No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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