i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This is my gift to your gina
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
