I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
