I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
