I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Randomize
