I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
