You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
