tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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