her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
