I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dicks are not precious.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
