You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
