I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
